hope worth having

you saw me laughing at myself in the mirror
but what you didn't see was beating harder
than the wings of the last guardian
angel, bristly blond locks waving
back from flight, harder than the final
fucked up father to spray the blood
from the nose of his woman, child
whoever raised a hand to lower his
I destroyed my poetry, however fickle or firm
in hopes it was enough like me but more
regenerative, like a phoenix
though lacking a reason to rise
my life was supposed to take
flight, but I had nothing to protect
no garden to tend
so I slept naked in the spit of intellectuals
while my heart spread mud from their shoes
all over its aching body
my eyes rolled out of my head and worms crawled in
burrowing into an overwhelmed brain
that wants and wants and needs
but breathes less than a flower walks or a flame
quenches the throat of a mute
my words loved to play or be played
my words emptied the contents of their emptiness
into no mind low enough to explore the soul
of someone worth saving
a rippling lake of glass swallowed my arm
my body spread and waving on both ends of the sand
falling through endless pillars of forgotten ideas
I made the mistake of wanting to create light
in the loveless void of art
constantly billowing with no wind to guide
only ash to fall from its treasured chest
ash and miles of sand before
the smile of smiles is torn from the world
what did you say, you said
I said
would you please love me as much as I love you
I'm sorry
I still can't hear you